她该不该去见老公的情人？

H是我的一名读者，前段时间给我的Gmail信箱发了封信，谈及她丈夫出轨的事情，我给她回了信也去了电话。电话交谈之下，我觉得大道理她都懂，她是个懂事达礼的女人。也知道自己要的什么，要强的她在得知丈夫出轨之后，决定全力以赴挽救她的婚姻和家庭。为此，我当然举双手赞成。

H的丈夫人到中年，公司里认识了一名从中国来留学作Intern的年轻女子，堕入情网。事情不出奇，上至前总统克林顿、名星成龙下至贫民百姓，这样的例子已经多得不胜枚举。奇就奇在这个花心的男人一方面要求老婆离婚，因为他要给她的情人一个名份外加帮她办理绿卡；另一方面要求老婆严守秘密，夫妻仍然住在一起（情人已在两千里之外），照样做孩子的爹妈，住在一个屋檐之下。若两三年后，他和情人分道扬镳（他可能心知肚明小他过一轮的年轻女孩与他一个二号小老头好不长久），他再和发妻重相携到老。这样人不知鬼不觉，他就园了他的人生艳梦。他吃定了想要挽救婚姻的老婆，委曲求全的妻子一筹莫展。

更有甚者，变心的男人感恩节邀请两千里外的情人过来相聚，不仅理直气壮地让发妻知道，而且还极力邀请发妻去见一见他的情人。身心皆疲的H估计已无法理清自己的思绪，向我求救，问我她该不该去见老公的情人？她问了我一个棘手的问题。我很想告诉她我的想法，却又怕我个人的意愿影响到她可能的行动。于是，我征求她的意见，蒙她不介意，我把她这段经历写在这里，请大家给她一个你认为合理的建议：她该不该去见老公的情人？为什么？希望从大家的意见中她能找到最合适的答案！

我曾写了两篇文章都是希望给H以启发和帮助。（挽留变心的伴侣， 变危机为转机）不久前，收到H的另一封伊妹儿，她转寄了她老公给她的一封伊妹儿给我，我读完感到肚子无法忍受得痛。不完全是心痛，而是整个胃肠搅在一起的痛。我也曾听过其她女人包括男人对我说过相似的话语，这样的话可能很真实，却总让我无法承受。

我翻译几句在这里（原文是英文）：

即使是为了孩子，我想你也应该很好地了解她（他的情人）。昨天，她还在谈论即将到来的相聚，她建议我每晚回家，不然“孩子们可能有一个不愉快的节日了”……她似乎对我和她的关系非常的重视，已经和她父母谈论过了……她也告诉了她亲近的朋友和房东（有关她和我的关系）……不是我拼命地想逃离家庭，我只是想向她显示我的诚意，使得这段长距离的关系成活下去。

我相信如果你能见到她， 无论是在什么情况之下，你都会喜欢她的！ 她是一个简单的、不自以为是、不夸夸其谈的女孩子。 对于我来说，最重要的是她喜欢我是因为我是个好父亲（当然是她的标准）。她对金钱毫不在乎，绝对不像你想象得那么复杂！

我不会在下一秒钟走开。我会尽量做得让你觉得容易一些。你知道的我对你并没有坏的感觉，你也知道我幻想我能拥有两个妻子，当然现在不可能。……

请你说出你的看法，H该去见老公的情人吗？

 

[鹤鸣飞瀑]

回复云上的熏衣草的评论:
妙哉！[击掌动作】

[Tinyherb]

贴子是感恩节前发的,不知H近况如何.
她是否去见了小三,其实无所谓. 关键在于--她老公要给小三名份,给她申请绿卡-- 小三的意图其实很清楚. 那对策也很简单-- 打持久战-- 不去理会LG 的离婚要求,能拖则拖,同时自己做好一个人生活的准备--- 小三的时间有限,intern 结束,除非公司愿意帮办身份,她要留美国,必须另谋出路,她有这个耐心去等吗?
至于那个老公, 不要也罢.现在的痛苦,无外是觉得被背叛了和不甘心,孩子只是挡箭牌.

[windowreader]

i am agree with Angela33. Be a strong woman, no end of the world when you open the other door for yourself. Look for your own happiness. Life here is just temporary, and nothing forever, Just let go, and left him that look for your new man who can crazy for you.

[多得ta]

我试着解读这位妻子吧。
第一，这个妻子是爱自己的丈夫和家的。她跟丈夫可以做深层的交流，甚至包括非常忌讳的话题。
难得夫妻之间可以进行这么坦诚的对话。如果这段孽缘过去了，夫妻俩还真能成为举世无双的知己；
第二，这个妻子算大度了。换个心眼小的，能把这个丈夫折腾个半死；
第三，这个妻子对于两性关系是既感到可把握，又在无奈中。从直觉上她知道自己丈夫和他的情人不大能把关系进行到底，而她所占的优势除了多年来彼此相知相扶以外，就是理解自己的丈夫。但是维系三人行对她来讲难度也很大。够闹心的。
同时，她自己并没有可以依托终身的人，这是比较可悲的。她还没下决心为自己找个位置，还在观望中。

我对她的建议吗？
第一：整个事件她不是局外人呀，她是主要当事人之一。她有自己的权利，可以选在离开。她不舍，其实很对不起她自己的。妇人之仁；
第二：别人伤害了你，一种办法是还回去，谁让他自作自受？另一种就是放手，理你远远的就是了。井水不犯河水，你走你的阳关道，我过我的独木桥。人生本来就是寂寞的，你有你做你娘的清秋大梦的权力，俺有俺重新打鼓另开张的自由。
谁离开谁活不了？谁也不是谁的谁。

[一生有求]

婚姻和感情也是建立在以尊严为基础上的， 如果这个丈夫连妻子的尊严都不给， 如果我是这位妻子， 我会选择放弃这个丈夫， 我相信孩子们长大后会理解妈妈的做法的。 孩子们其实是很坚强的， 不是我们想象的那么脆弱， 如果他们知道真相， 相信他们会和妈妈在一个立场的。

[cloudhk]

为什么还要挽回？没有钱买稀饭了么？孩子看见母亲委屈求全，也只有坏作用。

[glass_view]

哈哈, 又是一个到国外就变坏的例子, 西化了

[muckelchen]

我觉得是不能去见老公情人的，这位情人是否是真心爱上那个二老头有的怀疑，所以要还是要老公的话，就先拖着，拖到那情人没有耐性了，或者签证快到期了，她不得不去找下一个目标了，那老公就自然回头了。不过，这位老公怎么被惯得这样啊？还一点不尊重老婆.

[2008May]

为什么要挽救这样婚姻? 为什么要这样的老公? 她从他那里得到了什么?

[京人之举]

坚决不见！见面能达到积极的意义吗？
1）能让自己对婚姻释怀？
2）能让混帐丈夫回心转意？
3）能让那小女人离开？
还是给自己留点自尊吧。

[如雨]

原来楼主的“挽留变心的伴侣”是为了H，我也真的是无语了！我怎么就没看出来H是
一个要强的女人。要说她忍辱负重的“坚韧”可是令人敬佩。

人真的是只有自己才能救自己。性格决定人生啊！

[wtf69]

此故事情节有重大遗漏，或许根本是楼主捏造骗取点击率。

[最是那一低头的温柔]

一个如此无耻的LG，一个如此失败的LP。人到中年，生活糟到如此境地，无语。想知道楼主是否还会说：“给对方机会也是给自己机会”？

[傲霜斗雪]

海云, 你好!

感谢你以这样的方式叙述一个故事, 寻求多种建议.

评论和建议洋洋万言, 很是精彩! 只可惜的是大多出直姐妹，少有男士。

非常希望你能跟踪报道这件事情的结局，真心地希望H能寻求到一个最好的解决办法！还是那句话“只有她自己能救自己”！

[TheQueen]

回复傲霜斗雪的评论:
You are 100% right.

[angela333]

回复世上本无事_庸人自扰之的评论:

[beautyinautumn]

下面也是一文女性的评论，也是我觉得很有道理的意见：
作者：maomao 留言时间：2008-11-14 16:07:40
海云, I'm one of your many quiet fans. With a very busy life, I never have time to post anything online. I adore your talent as a writer and you kindness and effect to take on the burden of helping families in crisis. This time, I feel compelled to write something for H.

H, I have been there. I feel your pain and struggle. When I read 海云’s 挽留变心的伴侣,it really felt like it was my story. I tried so hard to hold on in a poisonous relationship, for the sake of my children with special need, and my dream of a lasting love and family. I lost myself in the never-ending cycles of crushed by reality, pulled together for kids, convinced myself things were better and kept going. Those years are still painful to look back. Just want to let you know that I eventually found myself, made peace with life, even started to appreciate how these years of tough life has really made me grown to be a better and stronger person. You will be there too, pains and despair will pass, I assure you. Just be patient and forgiving with yourself. Do what you desire to do, one day at a time. There is no right or wrong– see her or not to see her, should or should not still love him and stay with him (your husband). You don’t have to rush to make any painful decision, when you are ready, your heart will know, and the decision won’t be as painful anymore.

A woman‘s desire to hold on to her love and family could be equally adictive as man’s desire for fresh new love. The ancient wisdom said look at the three things in life that you want the most, if two of them are in conflict with each other, then you will forever live in pain. For the longest time, my inability to make choices has kept me in pain – because what I want was not among the choices given to me, and I refused to accept that. We all need time to learn to let go. I wish I have time to write more. I hope the best for you. I know no matter how weak you feel about youself right now, you will make it and be surprised by your inner strength as a woman and a mother.

我的跟评：

I like the following sentances:

There is no right or wrong– see her or not to see her, should or should not still love him and stay with him (your husband). You don’t have to rush to make any painful decision, when you are ready, your heart will know, and the decision won’t be as painful anymore.

A woman‘s desire to hold on to her love and family could be equally adictive as man’s desire for fresh new love.

This is exactly what I am looking for. It tells me woman who went though life time disasters knowing how to handle different situations in a proper way. Thank you very much! Maomao. I hope H can read this and understand what you meant.

[云上的熏衣草]

和楼上TKCD同一感觉，也是给吓到了。
想知道的是，这位太太是怎么让自己走到这一步的？是日积月累地把LG惯成这么变态？还是一步到位，开始就是高攀，让自己“变得很低很低，一直低到尘埃里？”天才如张爱玲，在尘埃里呆得都把自己那一腔的才华埋得不知哪里去了，普通的我们，还是争点气，抬起头来做人吧。
把你LG上头那信留着，找个好律师，直接把他扫地出门，净身出户。他那小三不是对金钱毫不在乎吗？就成全她呗。反正我们俗人，我们在乎。

[世上本无事_庸人自扰之]

I AM a man!

this is my 6th post, I gave my answer a long time ago, please go to previous pages...

[BeautyinAutumn]

回复世上本无事_庸人自扰之的评论:Actually you have a good point here. "thinking outside of the box" always helps. So if you are a man, let's hear your useful suggestions or thoughts.

[世上本无事_庸人自扰之]

OK, everyone, time out!

The problem here is most suggestions are given by women around the wife's age, and are totally useless. The way you and your sisters think is exactly the reason that caused your husband's action. If you want a new husband, this reason wouldn't be an issue, but you said you still want the family, you need to listen to men, you have to think outside the box. Once you find out why your husband thinks the way he thinks, why he does things the way he does, then a solution is right before your eyes.

for an example, just an example, most women suggest you be strong! being a person in control, does it ever occur to you that such personality could be exactly the cause for your husband seeking outside "love", sometimes being "weak" is a better solution.

Oh, no, I am seeing objects flying to me, gotta go...

[ashley07]

建议如下，一定有用：
1) 请老公搬出去住，他可以回来看孩子， 但杜绝性关系；
2）冷淡，不过问他和小三的任何事；
3）如果你有工作，专心工作；如果没有，尽快去找一份工作；
4）告诉他你和准男朋友约会的时间安排，让他在家代孩子；
5）在他的确有困难的时候，给予一点点理解或帮助
6）还想要他，就等着他和小三出错；不想要他，就再也不要回头看，为自己挑个新丈夫

[Angela333]

I found my ex was having affairs with a woman in his lab eight years ago. That woman was 12 years younger than him and was “a naive young girl, never wanted to destroy my family, only loves him not money or anything else”. At that time I just arrived to America for 6 months, no friends or family around, I had no clue of what to do or where to get help. Anyway he left me and our 3 years old son to pursue his “love”.

I went through hell in the first 2 years, but eight years later, I am a practicing physician, and re-married happily. My ex? He is still a post doc at some lab and struggling for his own survival. He is married too, but the young wife has lots of complains: he pays too much for the child support, he earns too little, he can not provide her a comfortable life as her friends having….

Divorce is not the end of the world; you may have a better future without such an ridiculous husband. The most important thing is be strong and protect you, your children’s benefits. Let him go and he will soon find out what a big mistake he made.
(Sorry I dont have a chinese software to write)

[世上本无事_庸人自扰之]

建议妻子看这个，保证老公回家，而且象小狗一样恭前拱后。。

http://web.wenxuecity.com/BBSView.php?SubID=joke&MsgID=288065

[windcat]

A true story which will help you:

Dear heart-broken wife,

The following is a true story from my close friend and his family.

My close friend is a successful middle-age man with two lovely kids and a full-time house wife. This husband is working in a group with quite a few high-educated smart beautiful career-women. His wife was born also in a high-educated family, but her wife- the only kid in the family not get university degree, but she is very nice and work full-time before go to US as a housewife for her husband. As years passed, the husband falled into love with one of beautiful career women, and he feel more and more unsatisfied with her wife and thinking her a boring middle-aged wife with totally no attraction.

As you imaging, the wife felt something wrong with her husband, and lots of fight and crying began. But the more fights, the more the husband felt this wife is terrible and the more he want to be with his lover.

The wife finally realized that fighting is not a weapon to protect her. Then how to bring family-together and let husband back? She think and think and also talked to her father-who also is a highly educated man. WIth their help, she finally finger out a way to save her family. Do you know how?

What is the weakest for a successful middle-aged man? The answer is my close friend, like most of other successful man, is eager to be loved. And they are clear whose love is more precious and more lasting, that is his children's love, it is much secure, real, and strong than any of young woman in this world. So the wife decided to change the lifestyle, now she asked her husband to taking care of two kids at home, in the office, and during weekend, and she go out as career women herself. The beauty f these is that as time pass, the husband found the kids are so lovely and also raising kids are so hard, now he began appreciated more about her wife, and also he realized he love his kids tons of more than his lover.

Now after three-years, her husband totally come back to the family, and the wife also become success in her career, and now I can frequently heard from my friend- the husband talked about his wife and kids with proud:)

Hope God can also bring wisdom to you and your lost husband back to your life!!!

[随意了]

煽了他!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[astermatch]

怕什么呀，在国外，四十岁以上，有孩子的女人，就是找个年轻十几岁的好男人（多半是老外了）也不是难事啊。

在中国就另说了。

[傲霜斗雪]

我还亲眼看见95岁老太（我女儿同学的太祖母）嫁85老头的。有些四十岁以后的女人还带着孩子不太好嫁也是事实，关键是这种时候不宜说这种丧气话！我猜H的LG可能就用这句话吓唬过H，你说我们能说这样的话吗？！

[laoshan88]

俺的“四十岁以后的女人还带着孩子很难再嫁”的话说的是事实。至于怎么选择(挽救还是离婚），那纯粹是personal choice.

事情没有落到自己头上就体会不到它的分量。我们旁观者豪言壮语，那是因为事情没落到自己头上。

[傲霜斗雪]

给H同胞，

首先要搞清楚整件事情是你那垃圾LG造成的，小三可能是苍蝇，但是苍蝇只叮臭蛋，千万不要以为小三搭上你的LG， 是因为你的LG魅力无比，也不必把太多的冤恨撒向小三，因为走了小三，小四会来，你管不了。

见不见小三不是问题的关键，问题的关键是怎样处置你的LG。

如果你无可药救地爱着你那垃圾LG，你极力挽救你的婚姻，那么你那垃圾LG及小三（或小四，如果小三被你赶走了）会一直用各种方式羞辱你，直到他们累了，或某一天你那垃圾LG良心发现（可能性很小），如果是这种情况，你到网上也讨不到良方，这辈子就慢慢受着吧，除了要你见小三，还会有其它夭蛾子的！

如果你想离开你那垃圾LG，只是缺乏勇气，好好听听姐妹们的鼓励，作一回顶天立地的女人！不要信有些丧气话“四十岁以后的女人还带着孩子很难再嫁”，如今的社会，六十岁的女人想嫁还能嫁出去。这个时侯，信心和勇气比黄金更金贵！退一步说，一个人过也没什么不好！

孩子不能成为挽救你那垃圾LG的借口，试想，如果你有女儿，你不想让她以后也受你这样的气吧；如果你有儿子，你不想让他以后变成像他的爹！我们已经有两届年轻有为的总统（克林顿，欧巴马）成长于单亲家庭，这不是很好答案吗？！

如果你决定离开你那垃圾LG，一定要请律师，美国是一法制社会，无论你有无工作，法律会站在妇女儿童这边，只要你那垃圾LG有饭吃，你和孩子就饿不着！

最后！只有你自己能救自己！

[芳华]

回复lapetitesirène的评论:

谢谢你以过来人的身份教她几招。我很赞成你的离间计。见与不见小三，目的一样，都是为了离间小三与丈夫的感情。

我主张去见小三，觉得这是一个离间的好机会，就看她怎么说了。要是她没这个本事，不去，过自己的节，也是一个办法。

一方面做努力，另一方面要做离婚的准备：找律师，整财物。。。等等。

我没有经历过这种事，刚开始像姐妹们一样被这给气坏了，刚想骂，一看已经有很多人替我骂了。我的气也解了一半。她此时还想要这个男人，就尽心想几招吧。试过几个月，能回头也好，要是她男人不肯回头，她也就死心了。人都是“不到黄河不死心”的。

她的丈夫在做梦，就算太太愿意，小三还不愿意呢。去见小三就是要告诉她丈夫的梦想（丈夫一定骗了小三），要小三的电话和电邮。

[gamie]

As a christian, I think pleasing God is more important than pleasing man. I think her goal should be to please and glorify God, rather than keeping a man and keeping sin in her house.

Adultery is sin, and the virtuous wife must not be sin's helper. Meeting the other adulterous woman only helps the man to glorify his adultery. So she shouldn't meet the woman. She should tell the man that iniquity shall have no place in her house. And that, if he decides to continue the adultery, they will have to get a divorce. And that, the divorce won't be a secret, and she won't be there to marry him if the mistress dumps him in the future.

I think the wife shouldn't be afraid of leaving the sinful man. I really don't think there would be much blessing from God if the wife keeps the man higher in her heart than God. God should be above all in our lives.

If she keeps God above all things and all people in her life, she would definitely be rewarded by God. When she needs help, God won't let her go and would grab her firmly. Just look at what happen to Ruth. She married to a rich / handsome / wise / older man when she chose to do the right thing, and her family was much blessed by God. King David and Jesus both come from Ruth's family.

It is certainly a difficult time for her. But I think, with God's help, and if she seeks God diligently, she will have the strength, courage, and wisdom to meet whatever life brings to her.

God bless!

[plgee]

社会生病了,太多婚外情事的发生,最受影响的是无辜的孩子们...

去见小三,如果你心里想见的话,no big deal,好奇心谁都有,你的丈夫形容得她那么好,又如何会去搞人家的男人,破坏大好家庭?

如果你真的太爱你这无耻丈夫,那建议你以弱者姿态劝对方放手,幸逞的活丈夫会回到你及孩子身边,那就宽容他所曾犯的错,不再提及好好与他过日子,但先问问自己,是否能办得到?是否纵此还有信任的存在??

男人与女人的情事太累人了,单身有时真不是坏事!别把男人看得太严重,离婚也不是世界末曰,有说变了心的男人,十头牛也拉不回,好好静下来,调整自己的心态,善待自己,迈过难关,重要照顾孩子的情绪,不知道自己该如何作决定时,就什么都别想,该干什么干什么,让事件沉殿下来,最坏不过离婚,当然为自己争取应有的利益.

[TKCD84]

lapetitesirène，不是我说你，有你这种老婆，老公不但要出轨还能把你不当回事，我没说错吧？

[TKCD84]

楼下的lapetitesirène 这类人是典型的中国妇女，说好听了，是忍辱负重，难听点就是没脑子，没人格。典型的中国妇女的观点就是跟“小三”斗。脑子还是清醒点吧，该约束自己的不是小三，是你自己的老公啊。小三是单身，跟谁不能交往？关小三什么事？你自己的老公有了婚姻家庭，根本就应该自我约束。傻傻的中国妇女就这观点，我的老公，外人不能碰，外人碰了是外人的错，是别人勾引的。既然是别人勾引，我要把老公抢回来。本来是你和老公的问题（准确的说是你老公的问题），一下子转移成了你的老三的问题。老公到成了无辜的了。。呵呵，不想说你们这些典型妇女，一副这脑子，成受害者也有几分活该吧

[TKCD84]

我真的被这故事弄糊涂了，更确切的说叫吓到了。丈夫有了情人，要妻子跟着配合以确保“这段长距离的关系成活下去”，什么跟什么啊，是妻子还是妈啊，听起来像儿子有了女朋友，要带回家见老妈一样，还得老妈配合以确保这朋友能继续谈下去。当妻子的还来问，我该去见吗？ -----------不是我不明白，是世界变化快。

[lehe]

这男人不知是天真还是没品。赶紧把他梦想的泡泡灭了。

见可以，等自己找到男朋友再见。公平些嘛。并争取找一个‘无论是在什么情况之下，你都会喜欢他的‘ 男朋友。

[浅雪]

男人犯贱,女人不要跟着犯贱. 路是自己走的, 不要让他得便宜, 多为自己与孩子考虑, 利益一定要争取; 有些男人没教训是不会回头. 发展自己才是硬道理.

[lapetitesirène]

经历过老公出轨的，就知道H有多不易。众姐妹的愤怒可以理解，但不是解决问题的办法。

依我看，目前的当务之急是离间小三和老公的感情，现在小三和老公是一个集团，但老公和孩子们又割舍不下，只要好好利用这个男人还有当父亲的责任感这一点，小三再装作善良，再愿意当妾，也有受不了的一天。反正老公现在还是你的人，坚决不要主动采取行动，经济权除外，生活照旧，当什么都没发生。千万不可冲动把老公往外推，你会后悔的。如果自己没有足够的姿色，坚决不见小三，谁啊，关我p事，节日还是你们全家的。要知道小三第一次登堂入室，以后的主人就不是你了。把难题留给老公，不要主动接招，你的原则就是坚守自己的家，就算恨，也要暂时藏在心里，保护好你的孩子。老公就算弃孩子和情人过节，心里也绝不会快乐，一则名不正言不顺，二则孩子们对老男人还是很重要的。很少有小三能够容忍永远没有名分，可能比你容忍老公出轨还难。把问题甩给他们吧，时间和孩子是你的利剑，他们比你还痛苦呢，怕啥。再说老公犹豫的态度可能已经给小三不快了，什么离婚依然同居，根本就是扯淡，这显然是会伤害小三感情的，除非她并不爱他。

最愚蠢的做法是主动提出离婚。告诉他自己不能见小三，要自己一家人过节，就行了，老公具体怎么安排，让他作决定。无论怎么选择他都不会快乐的，但把他留在孩子们身边，小三会更郁闷。还有， 如果老公和小三在一起，不妨打电话谎称孩子有事，当老公舍情人而回家几次后，小三就会掂量出轻重，就算撒谎，离间之计也一定要进行。

离间的结果，可能老公回心转意，向你道歉，你们重新过你们的日子，无爱是众多婚姻的普遍状态，如果能做到这点，你就成功了。离间无果，至少你也尽心尽力了，没啥好后悔的。但根据我的经验，离间计还是很有效的。

[芳华]

请大家不要骂H,她已经很痛苦了，就不要雪上加霜了。她要是像你我各位，她的丈夫就没胆量提出这么无理的要求了。

既然H 还想要这个家，就支几招吧：总的计划应该是“拉”和“推” - 拉自己的丈夫，推他的小三。

拉丈夫：1-愿意维护家庭，但绝不容情人，给他1月去了断。
2-对它像往常一样好/坏
3-不要对孩子将大人的事，但让孩子们多请爸爸帮忙-接
送，打球，拉琴。。。等等。对他们说：妈妈最近工作
忙/心情不好，请他们体谅妈妈，多叫爸爸干活。
4-当他们父子/女做不好时，你就出手帮一把---这一
招看着简单，很管用的。（很多女的贱就贱在家里大
事小事一把抓，让丈夫又闲心闲情闲时间来闹这些事）
5-床上天天晚上要他干，你不用他，别人就用了，他现在
你丈夫，不用白不用。你以前要是天天用，就没这事了
推小三：打字太累，要睡了，请各位支招帮姐妹一把

[AnimatedCat]

这种没脸没皮没人格没自尊又不会尊重他人的男人，留下有什么用？

如果孩子知道真实的情况，他会让她的母亲如此的受苦吗？ 有一天，孩子会知道真相的，那日他又怎样看他的父亲？ 怎样看他的“阿姨”？ 怎样看他的母亲？ 这种忍辱负重的事情，一个懂道理，爱他母亲的孩子是绝对不会同意的！


to save a family, is to isten, to respect, to WORK for it. not the easy way out, not the "i'll do everything to save it and you can have it easy". NO. the MOMENT he start justify himself of having an affair, is hurting her.

there is NEVER an justification worthy for having an affair. he broke the vow he took the day he married her! what RIGHT does he have to ask her to accept another woman? for his family to accept another woman?



I'm not going to say again if he's worth keeping around. it's not worth her time, energy and effort to meet the other woman. she wants a solution to mend the marriage, meeting the other woman is NOT the solution. what good will that do? prove he's right that she's not about money and she's a nice girl? thats NOT THE POINT! the point is HE is horrible man!

[孤舟蓑笠翁50]

You should show your kids the way you wanted them to live their lives …

[BeautyinAutumn]

各位，别只顾了生气骂人，咱都冷静冷静，行不？H 会过来看大家的评论，那种攻击性的语言于事无补的。让我们都尽所能给她一些有建设性的看法和意见。

下面是另一文读者寄到我伊妹儿信箱的意见，很中肯。



海云,

I like your blog and visit it almost everyday. However, I don't register and can't put up any comments. Thus email you.

很多事说起来容易做起来难,尤其是临到自己头上.
但是看看这个世上,什么事都会发生, 没法预测未来,善待自己最为重要.所以, 如果H认为接受这种大奶的身份是善待自己,就见二奶.

做为旁观者, 我的想法是:
1)不见二奶,因为没必要.二奶是他弄来的.
2)在这种拉锯战过程中, 依然温柔如旧,同时在财产方面加紧行动,做对自己最有利的准备.他已经靠不住了.
3)当准备就绪,就提出离婚,让他搬出去,越远越好.
4)孩子固然重要,自己更重要. 要自立自强, 给孩子树立个榜样.其实很多大事,当你5年后回头看时,都不是什么大不了的.
重新上路!

Cheers.

Sharon

[汉代蜜瓜]

K! 蜜瓜刚刚跟一个女朋友（女朋友年纪比蜜瓜还大）交流了一下，一致认为这男人是神经病，女人是二百五，这种问题还要问吗？让男人即刻滚出去，付足赡养费抚养费净身出户。

蜜瓜朋友说：“这不明摆着欺负人吗？这女的还有没有自尊？”

[foxinsnow]

这H整个儿一神经病。男人是混帐，但我更严重鄙视如此没有自尊的女人！要是没有这般窝囊下.贱的女人，我不信他男人能猖狂下作到这种地步？真是肺都要给气炸了！！！

[汉代蜜瓜]

回复haochigui的评论:

没工作也能分居啊！！！！

[haochigui]

小三当然要见,告诉她,男人一直没钱请保母,这下有你不出钱的妹妹来帮忙,真是太好了.男人很了解我,太体贴了.这下有换手的了.我们轮流带,我男人的小孩,你也很爱吧!

[haochigui]

太气愤了!!!妻子有没工作?有工作的话,立马分居,小孩轮流带,慢悠悠地打离婚官司,小三要绿卡,好好多拖拖她,再弄着小孩累累,搞搞他们,让他们矛盾多多,让小三要绿卡又坚持不下来,不要绿卡,时间又浪费很多.要经常检查小孩,有一青块就告他们.最后让那臭男人净身滚,小三最后也不跟他,小孩也没,让他精神分裂.

[DanaD]

应该说这个男人是有问题的，因为对方那个女人是intern应该也不一定需要他所给的绿卡,但是问题最大的是H，为什么还在想要全力挽救这样的人？去见那个女人是可以的，应该只是好奇，究竟是怎样的一个人会去接受这样一个人渣？同时也告诉他俩你的决定：就是放弃他如同丢弃一块用脏了的抹布。还要就是拿着他的邮件为自己争取到最大的权益，这是你应该得到的。

[sn2008]

小三不是不在乎钱吗?离婚，尽可能多地索要赡养费。离婚官司拖上五六年(在美国是
很有可能持久战的)。小三办不成绿卡，青春耗掉，结婚也不成，不结婚也已付出等
待。

[汉代蜜瓜]

我靠！把该先生的行李衣服打包给他，让他即刻出去寻找梦想，做老婆的没有义务配合。

抚养费赡养费算清楚，净身出户追求真爱，这还用讨论来讨论去吗？

不是什么样的男人都值得挽留，也不是什么样的婚姻都值得补救。

脑子进水！

[贴心宝贝]

当然不见。如果他和她成了，最多不过是他的她，和孩子的后妈，与H无关。如果他和她不成，H更加没必要去浪非时间。但话说回来，H的先生可以不顾她的感受，如此公然讨论她的情人，这样的男人沾上半点的关系都觉得秽气！

[tooold]

主要是她老公没把她当回事. 如果她也去找个情人和她老公也说同样的话. 叫板叫板,后院都着火, 看她老公还有心思? 以其人之道还其人之身嘛.

[世上本无事_庸人自扰之]

严重同意芳华！

Like I said in the first post:

哪个男人不想妻妾成群啊？哪个女人不想每天不同的情人送花啊？喜新厌旧是人类的天性，如果你从没过这种幻想，我敢肯定你的基因有突变过！但是真正付诸行动的不多，为什么？因为知难而退。你想一想什么会是他的难和他情人的难？

[芳华]

To 海上的云:

You maybe receive many cries from Chines woman, it does not mean it is common in North America. In real life, I see the opposite - many Chinese woman had affair with American/Chinese man and left their Chinese husbands. It is just men do not cry so much or they cry in private, so you do not know. They will not ask help from you. They may discuss it with their buddies or maybe Dr. Phil.

So, Please do not conclude it is always happens with women. You have been on Wenxuecity for a while, you probably have seen Chinese men's curses whenever they see Chinese woman dating/marriing American man. It hurts them so much. It threats their life.

[世上本无事_庸人自扰之]

回复laojie

See the problem is this wife is a weak person, she doesn't have the wisdom, the courage, the determination other people suggested. Now bias and revenge aside, what could the wife possibly do? if she were strong, she wouldn't ask this question in the first place, would she? I think the best course of action for her is to calmly present the facts, kick the ball back to them, let them worry about the chaos, let them think about the challenge, let them fear the difficulties. She can then just wait, prepared to let it go, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

[789654]

"尤其是40岁以后又带孩子，再结婚的可能性几乎是零。"?宁可去做免费的鸡, 也不和他过. 女人还愁没男人? 这个女的听男人的听惯了.

[laojie]

回复世上本无事_庸人自扰之的评论:
Why does she want to waste her time for this? It's not a matter of guts. Don't you see both husband and wife are mentally sick?

[fengxiang]

离婚后为什么女人都要孩子？ 如果有两个孩子的话，应该让男人也带一个。对于拖家带口的男人，女孩子也许会重新考虑。

[summerpalace]

This man is DISGUSTING! He deserves a HUGE SLAP on his face!

[芳华]

I am a woman and I have very different opinion about this situation:

1. First of all, we have to admit that it is human nature that man wants to have multiple wives, and WOMAN also wants to have multiple husband (just very very few dare to try it). Why only few men or women got their dream come true? BECAUSE their spouses and lovers do not allow them to!!!! One party has the right to ask whatever they want, the other party has the right to say "NO" or "YES". ----------She should tell her husband "YES" or "NO" on this issue.

2. I would suggest the wife to meet his lover, but just one on one, not three way meeting. Be frank with her. Ask her plan for the relationship. More importantly tell her that my husband = your lover wants to have two wives and ask her if she is willing to allow her lover to have two wives. This one on one meeting is a must if she wants her family back. Maybe even more meetings.

3. Parepare for the worst =divorce (since he is asking for it): Consult a divorce lawyer; save all the emails from the husband; tape record the convesation with the lover (may not be used in the court, but useful outside the court); sort through financial recordd - even if the wife does not have job, do not worry about it, he has to pay for your life and child support for many years).-------- When one of my friend was going though a divorce, she resigned from the job - to force the husband to pay more out of his income - leave less for his future wife.

4. When you are well prepared for the worst , then you can hope for the best - "SAVE" the family. Since the lover lives far away, the LOVE may fade away. Try to drag the divorce as long as possible (using all kinds of excuses), the young girl may lose patience. At that point, the wife needs to ask herself this question: DO YOU WANT HIM BACK? - I would suggest to kick him out of the house after his lover leavs him - tell him: I suffered hurt so much during the process of saving family, I do not want you anymore!!!

[redwest]

悲哀，希望不是真的。

[世上本无事_庸人自扰之]

这位漂亮美眉，如果你不了解法律的话，可不能乱给建议啊。没有经过司法程序的录音录象是非法的，即使真实，法官也不允许呈堂的。知道“水门事件“吗？

[windcat]

really sad and even shamed for the wife as a women. The husband is a total garbage. The wife should have courage to be independent and life as a good example for her children. Hire a lawyer, leave the man, and try to get most of current property and saving for the future. Being a single mother raising two children is tough but at least you life as an equal person!

Heard such a story is very painful, so sad some women being treated like this, guess she also has no wisdom and too dependent, sad!!!

[水门汀]

他的妻子只是他想掠美的道具。她的情人则是一副表演的身段。她后来甩他比一块泥巴还快。

不过，他罪有应得，她呢，不知道是喜欢当后妈呢，还是喜欢糟蹋自己的青春。看过贱的，没看过这么贱的女孩子。

建议他太太去见一见这位可人，同时进行录音，录像。美国没有妨害家庭罪，那么，还有假结婚一说。让我们拭目以待这场官司怎么打。

谁是最终的受害者。

其实在美国人的观念中，结了婚的人都有相互所有权。是彼此的私物。

[sweden]

我不是开玩笑,他老公是处在一个不正常的状态.从心理学的角度讲这种出轨一般持续半年.告诉H等半年.这半年不要和老公讨论他的情人,尽量疏远冷淡她老公,也不要刻意去挽救婚姻.如果半年后她老公还和情人结婚说明他们是真爱,很不幸H她只有放弃.但一般半年后这种出轨都会断

[世上本无事_庸人自扰之]

奇了怪了，除了我，居然每个人都说不见，怕什么呢？无任哪个层面，你都是占理的一方。If you dare not go, you are already defeated even before the battle starts. 怕难堪？怕难堪的应该是她！

Besides，what could be the worst scenario? Divorce? So what?! Obama wouldn’t have become the President if his mother hadn’t divorced twice!

真是：世上本无事 庸人自扰之！

[laojie]

This is a ridiculous question! The guy is trying to get away with anything -- I guess the wife has always been letting him do so.
I think she should see a doctor, she can't change the husband but she can change herself.

[傲霜斗雪]

这种婚姻根本不值得挽救, 这个男人早已把这个女人看扁了,如果继续挽救下去, 只有自取其辱。
要记住一句话‘最大的善往往会纵恿最大的恶’
自己站起来, 作一个顶天立地的人, 或许还能得那个负心和自私男人的刮目相看，也给孩子作出一个明辨是非的榜样！
不必要太担心今后的生活，要积极寻求法律的保护，在美国，婚姻法自会保护弱者， 让孩子和女人好好的生存下去。
衷心的希望这位女性朋友自强自立，愿好人日子越过越好！

[Cherry06]

Gu Cheng :-(

[sweden]

H不该去见老公的情人.她老公该去见精神科医生!

[朱婷]

这样的男人,早已是身不由己,讲难听点是做了xx,还要立牌的那种.陷入了中年危机的深渊不能自拔.

单是精神出轨,尚可酌情考量(人无完人,谁没有一时的精神迷惑),可他已是身心具出,且满口妄语----发着如果那一头没着落,这一头还可继续白头的美梦,这样的人,还是一个所谓的好父亲吗(真是虚伪得可以),得让他get out.

人到中年,早已明白:退一步海阔天空的道理,文中的"小三"是没有必要见的,爱咋的咋的,不要给自己再多一个难堪,在感恩节之前,让他把该办的扶养事宜办妥,好好为自己为孩子活下去,在这个世间,没有谁离了谁会活不下去的.

执子之手，与子偕老固然是好,可是如果是天意:缘分已尽,那就随意吧,跟着自己走到最后的是自己的头脑,自己的良心.

祝福她好人平安


陷入了中年危机的深渊不能自拔

[世上本无事_庸人自扰之]

哈哈，看来舆论一边倒，但是你们的义愤填膺只能让事主更加情绪化，于事无补。我也看了你的另外两篇文章，大道理都对，但不实用。对打定主意出轨的男人（女人也一样）晓之以理，动之以情，都是脱裤子放屁，多此一举！你唯一的选择是让他（她）知难而退或放手。

先说说别的。哪个男人不想妻妾成群啊？哪个女人不想每天不同的情人送花啊？喜新厌旧是人类的天性，如果你从没过这种幻想，我敢肯定你的基因有突变过！但是真正付诸行动的不多，为什么？因为知难而退。你想一想什么会是他的难和她的难？

再说点别的，如果突然的车祸，你先生走了，你和你的孩子就不活了？就是嘛，这个地球少了谁都一样转！离婚也不是世界的末日，只有想通了这一点，你才能心平气和下来对症下药。

为什么你先生又要离婚，又要你严守秘密？噢，照样做孩子的爹妈？看来他不想伤害孩子。你告诉他你也有机会开始感情的新篇章，但是你也不想伤害孩子。可惜不伤害不可能，法律上的离婚一定要经过法庭，子女的监护权是极其重要的一部分，法官甚至会直接问孩子的意向，你问他瞒着孩子是否可能。

去不去会他的女友？当然去，不仅去，而且谈笑风声，告诉她所有你老公生活中需要照顾的地方。譬如：“啊，我先生很喜欢酸辣汤，你会不会做啊？不会？没关系啦，慢慢学啦，呵呵，记住先放盐，味精最后放。。。”然后讲你的孩子：“周六弹琴，周日打球。。。你认不认路？不认？没关系啦，让我先生给你买个GPS，呵呵。。。”在讲“我先生”一词时要特亲切。

都无效的话，那你就放手，who knows, maybe you will get a better life too! Good Luck!

[laoshan88]

中年女人遇到这种事确实很难。连Hilary这样强势的女人都选择了原谅（有人说她不离婚是为了利用克林顿，也许是）。男人离了会很快找到更年轻的女人，女人离了，尤其是40岁以后又带孩子，再结婚的可能性几乎是零。而女人又太注重婚姻了。 这就是女人的悲哀。 我觉得一个女人为挽救婚姻作出努力是对的。这和尊严什么的没关系。但这位丈夫好像太无耻了太欺人太甚了，还是离了算了。 但离婚时，财产，子女赡养费等问题一定要解决好。

[弄堂小姐]

当然是不要去见这个丈夫的情人，这个丈夫也不是人，建议赶紧把他从生命里删除。 人渣。。。

[雨湖]

我平时都是潜水不发言的，实在忍不住了。这个男的实在欺人太甚了，而他太太居然还在考虑他的建议。一个人带孩子过得再艰难，也好过这样没有尊严地生活。这样的男人，马上离开他，真是渣滓。他的email,这些作为离婚证据，别便宜了他，让他付抚养费，以后再也不要和他纠缠。这样的品格，即使没有这个，也会有下一个第三者的。

[tk84]

如果这女人是家庭主妇，从来没工作，那另当别论，离了根本就无法生存。

[tk84]

这女人还叫“要强”？任何一个“要强”的女人都不会无自尊到如此地步啊。这男人把她当成人了吗？自己在外边有人，居然要求女人“严守秘密，夫妻仍然住在一起（情人已在两千里之外），照样做孩子的爹妈，住在一个屋檐之下。若两三年后，他和情人分道扬镳（他可能心知肚明小他过一轮的年轻女孩与他一个二号小老头好不长久），他再和发妻重相携到老。”，又要玩，还要给自己留后路。这如意算盘打的！不要家的不是这个女人，是这个男人啊，如何挽救？就是在古代要呐妾，也得分个大小啊。这女人真的脑袋进水了，还在考虑去不去见他的情人。一个正常女人再大度能接受到男人在外边悄悄玩，不问不管就算了，大概无法接受到如此地步吧？我说句难听话吧，如果这叫好强宽容，我只能说她根本不懂啥叫婚姻家庭。

[扬子江酒店]

‘你也知道我幻想我能拥有两个妻子’-真够无耻的！
写个email告诉那个男人，我外面也有一个男情人，也想拥有两个丈夫，不如大家4个人都在一个屋檐下生活算了。。。神经病！
怎么这种故事经久不衰？我同事N年前遇到的一模一样，她立刻离了婚，一个人带着两个孩子。男人和年轻女人结了婚，后来女人还生了一个孩子。
最初的艰难挺过来了，现在女儿们高中毕业了，后面老婆生的小孩也10岁了。回头看，日子也不就这样过来了。不能挽救的婚姻还是放弃好，关键是调整好自己的心态。

[safying]

回复风鹣沧月的评论:
太对了，这不是拯救婚姻，这是让恶人向地狱滑的更远。
早离开，对谁都是负责。
孩子迟早是要知道的，如果让他爹树立这个典范，长大以后难免不照葫芦画瓢。。。

[7788520]

晕，越想越想不明白，还来说两句。这人都怎么了？病态不至于病态到这程度啊。男人有情人不知耻不隐瞒居然还要女人去见面？女人到了这境地还在问应该不应该去见面？ 是不是真是“当局者迷”啊，我这旁观者来看，觉得都双方都走的太远了。

[风鹣沧月]

这女人怎么了？？这种情况还叫拯救家庭吗？这已经跟什么智慧，宽容扯不上关系了，这叫纵容犯罪吧

[7788520]

这不是北美的道德标准，这是华人男女的故事。这个女人有点病吧，看了这种故事，我只一句，欺人太甚。

[forestea]

这样的男人为什么还要挽回呢？
这男人的想法很奇怪啊，在任何情况下这个妻子也不可能，同时也没有任何必要去喜欢这个女孩啊，北美的道德标准这么低么？

[TZMAN]

这还不简单，俩办法：一、砸锅卖铁；二、破釜沉舟。

······

嗯？不对，我错了，就是一个办法！

算了，顺其自然吧，怎么修行都有成正果的。

[快乐生活123]

没必要见吧。1）这是那个男人的事情，应该让他自己来处理；2）见了面就好像在某种程度上认可了这种关系和这个男人想要的生活状态；3）听起来这个老婆不是这个情人的对手，见了面弄不好这个情人在梨花带雨在男人面前杜撰出这个老婆如何的责难她，到时这个老婆百口难辩啊，而男人也就更理直气壮了。

[gagawoo]

The wife has already made a big mistake by allowing the husband to treat her like that, it would be even more stupid for her to see this younger woman. What I see from your description is that the husband is abusing the wife's insecurity and desire of keeping the family together. But children are very smart. They must have noticed that things are different.

No matter the wife wants or does not want to keep the husband, she should leave him and start her own life. Let him enjoy his "ideal" life. She can NEVER get any respect or real love from the husband by making compromise like she has been doing. And what I see is that her way of dealing with the situation is going to have very bad impact on her children. The children may very likely repeat their parents story when they grow up.

No! Do NOT go to meet with the younger woman. From your story, I could not tell if the husband has married the girl or not. If the girl is going to be in the children's life, the wife should NOT talk negatively about the girl either because it is any way their father's choice.

I think the best way is for your friend -- the wife, to leave the husband, and move on with her own life. No need to meet with the girl, but be courtesy to her -- do not create unnecessary bad karma for herself and for the children.